So this is what happens when I should be sleeping but I can't turn my mind off...deal with it.

I still don't have really any idea what to talk about in a blog, I guess I'm just supposed to speak my mind...but there's so much going on in my head I don't even know where to begin. I'm too tired to try to sift through the useless information that's just kind of floating there all the time...things like stress and anxiety that work very hard to dispel any sort of positive attitude I may have built up. I get kind of down a lot. It's hard looking at the constant, if not growing, pile of work but then tell myself that I also have to make time for me. Every moment that I enjoy when I'm not working is tainted by, 'you're probably going to regret this when you have to stay up and finish this or that tomorrow night.' How do you get past that? It's hard to constantly deal with everything that life throws at you while you're running on four hours of sleep a night. There is so much that I feel like I'm missing out on while I'm killing myself in the library for eight hours studying for my next exam...there's so much I want to see and do before I lose too much time. I don't even know if what I'm studying is what I want to do with the rest of my life. As of right now, I'm a biology major...last semester I almost transferred to study photojournalism. Obviously...not so similar majors. I was torn between my fascination with human life and the simple beauty of going out with my camera and capturing precious pictures never to be seen again, along with the simplicity of sitting outside, sitting under the stars and just writing what comes to my restless mind. I am terrible at sitting still, and I feel like college is slowly draining away any sanity that I may have had after escaping sitting in the same classrooms for four years in high school...which, if I had to guess...isn't much. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this...maybe this blog is just going to end up serving as an outlet for all of the battles going on inside my head...read by just the few people who I've told it exists. I hate it when people tell me to go off and do what I want. The truth is, if it were an attainable option, college would be the last place I would chose to be. I simply can't afford it. People look up to these actors and stars who go off and help in Africa, etc. and the world tells us we should do the same. Well, I would love to...truth is, I'm stuck in college trying to find a way to solidify a future for myself, because that's what my high school guidance counselor told me to do. They tell you to go off, that you should do what's best for you, and then maybe you'll be lucky enough to impact the world. What if I just want to go now...because the truth is, all I'm worried about for myself is that at the end of these four years I look back and I don't feel like they were a waste. I want to be happy. I don't care if I'm financially better off than him or her or whoever. All I need is someone to share my dreams with...someone who will look at me in the morning and realize that it's o.k. to just be. That's all I need, and I feel like I'd feel so much better if I felt like the rest of my time was spent doing something that could make someone else happy. So while I'm stuck here, I'm living for my friends, I'm living for my family, I'm living for a hope that someday I'll be able to reach out on a greater scale. Crystal, I know you feel the same way, and I promise you that after we get out of here, we will get our voices out there in some way shape or form...because you only get one life and the one you get is too short to waste a single second on regret. At the end of our time here...we won't leave anything behind to regret.

So what exactly is the point of all of this...I'm not even sure I can tell you...I think I feel like every single person needs to wake up thinking that anything and everything is possible, to live without fear because when you promise yourself you're going to live without any regrets, there's nothing to be afraid of. So laugh without consequence, live with reckless abandon, wish for the stars, and dream, just dream.

Hmmm...well, now that I made one what do I write?

I made this blog because my friend Crystal made a blog and I'm now realizing that I have no idea what someone even writes about in a blog, hah. If I asked anyone that question I would bet money on the fact that the majority of people would respond, 'Whatever you want.' Haha, in fact, I just asked Crystal and she said and I quote, 'Anything, what's on your mind?' I think I get points for calling that one, imaginary points maybe, but points nonetheless. Well, my indecisiveness won't help me with this one. It's a Saturday afternoon, I should be doing my chemistry homework...I don't want to, so I'm not. I'm such a rebel aren't I? haha. Instead of doing my homework, drumroll please [I really wish this was more dramatic], I'm sitting on my bed surrounded by my scrapbooked walls trying to come up with a topic to write about that's not going to bore me to tears while I'm writing about it. I could write about how there's nothing to do in my 2-mile radius hometown or how the world is in a seemingly permanent state of dangerous disorder or how my lack of sleep is slowly driving me to lose what's left of my sanity but all that seems, well, far too predictable. So, I'll tell you what...Let me think about it. I'm saying this only because I have to be somewhere in an hour and am currently nowhere near ready to leave. I should probably add that to my "About Me,' I leave almost everything to the last possible second. The state of chaous created by waiting until the last possible second always keeps me on my toes and tends to make for some pretty funny stories.