Things Have Changed For Me.

Title is self-explanatory...but, I will go into a bit more detail.

Naturally, I'm somehow wide awake and dead tired at the same time...it's one of those moments where I know I am tired, I know I want to be sleeping...but I also know that I have a few thoughts running through my head and I won't be able to sleep unless I put them down on paper...or well, type them up.

Just over two months ago, I said goodbye to my hometown, hugged my mom and dad, and hopped on a plane bound for Dublin. I told myself not to worry, I did. I hoped I wouldn't cry, I did. I wished that I wouldn't look back, I did. I spent the entire journey over wondering what the heck had gotten into my head and how on earth I ever thought that studying abroad was a good idea.

Eventually I realized that it was because I needed to prove something to myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could be the girl that I have always wanted to be.

Reading through my previous blog posts always makes me a little bit sad. There was always something wrong, always something that needed analyzing, and always something that I felt like I had to fix. I don't know how I ever got so far away from myself. I want to delete them all, pretend that that girl never even existed...and then I realized something...how do we know where to go if we forget where we have been? And so I've come to terms with the fact that I looked back before closing the door to my room, before driving away, before walking into the airport, before entering security, and finally before I boarded the plane. I wasn't taking mental pictures hoping everything would be the same, I was saying goodbye to the way that I had seen things for far too long.

Ireland has changed me. New people and a new way of life have shown me more than I ever could have imagined (I'm not saying it's a crazy different lifestyle over here...but after three months you start to realize that the subtle changes add up...it sucks you in without you even realizing it...). I now know why I had so many questions about being happy...I was trying to find myself in the girl that no longer existed. I was trying to find my way to a future by looking through my past. Focusing on the "then" and "someday" as opposed to the "here and now." But that doesn't do anyone any good...most of the time I don't know where I am going to be in ten minutes...how did I ever think to myself I could plan out the next five years?! So NOW, I know who I am because I know where I am. I'm in today and I am only living for today. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow and someday someday. As far as the past goes, I'll never ignore it, but I will never again make the mistake of questioning myself because of it.

So, here's to today! Ta Ta for now, or for a few months...