Things Have Changed For Me.

Title is self-explanatory...but, I will go into a bit more detail.

Naturally, I'm somehow wide awake and dead tired at the same time...it's one of those moments where I know I am tired, I know I want to be sleeping...but I also know that I have a few thoughts running through my head and I won't be able to sleep unless I put them down on paper...or well, type them up.

Just over two months ago, I said goodbye to my hometown, hugged my mom and dad, and hopped on a plane bound for Dublin. I told myself not to worry, I did. I hoped I wouldn't cry, I did. I wished that I wouldn't look back, I did. I spent the entire journey over wondering what the heck had gotten into my head and how on earth I ever thought that studying abroad was a good idea.

Eventually I realized that it was because I needed to prove something to myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could be the girl that I have always wanted to be.

Reading through my previous blog posts always makes me a little bit sad. There was always something wrong, always something that needed analyzing, and always something that I felt like I had to fix. I don't know how I ever got so far away from myself. I want to delete them all, pretend that that girl never even existed...and then I realized something...how do we know where to go if we forget where we have been? And so I've come to terms with the fact that I looked back before closing the door to my room, before driving away, before walking into the airport, before entering security, and finally before I boarded the plane. I wasn't taking mental pictures hoping everything would be the same, I was saying goodbye to the way that I had seen things for far too long.

Ireland has changed me. New people and a new way of life have shown me more than I ever could have imagined (I'm not saying it's a crazy different lifestyle over here...but after three months you start to realize that the subtle changes add up...it sucks you in without you even realizing it...). I now know why I had so many questions about being happy...I was trying to find myself in the girl that no longer existed. I was trying to find my way to a future by looking through my past. Focusing on the "then" and "someday" as opposed to the "here and now." But that doesn't do anyone any good...most of the time I don't know where I am going to be in ten minutes...how did I ever think to myself I could plan out the next five years?! So NOW, I know who I am because I know where I am. I'm in today and I am only living for today. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow and someday someday. As far as the past goes, I'll never ignore it, but I will never again make the mistake of questioning myself because of it.

So, here's to today! Ta Ta for now, or for a few months...

Take THE WALK.

I have no idea who, if anyone, sees what I write on these blogs but this is worthy of writing if only one other person reads it. One person can spread a message an infinite distance, and all it takes is a few words. That's what THE WALK is all about.

We all remember Hanson, we all remember MMMBop. Well, if you haven't been listening since then, you should listen now. Not only has their music evolved into something truly soul-touching but they themselves have grown up into amazing individuals who realize the difference they can make.

At every show they ask anyone willing, to walk ONE MILE barefoot. It's all about taking something as simple as a pair of shoes, something most of us probably take for granted as we run out our doors in the morning, and going without them for just a couple minutes. While you walk you have to imagine people in Africa; mothers, fathers, children, anyone who has to walk around everyday without a pair of shoes.

A pair of shoes has never meant so much.

Hanson requires one thing of the Walks; that each individual register and check off one of five causes; the explanation on the card saying simply; Which of these resonates with you the most?
-->Clean Drinking water
-->Education
-->Donate Shoes
-->Provide Healthcare
-->AIDS and HIV care

For every person that walks Hanson donates a dollar to the cause that individual checked off on their card. Over 34,000 miles have been walked for this cause!


I walked for the first time yesterday and I cannot believe the impact that it had on me. Dozens of people showed up to walk together barefoot and as Zac Hanson said when we stopped after a half mile, "It's about the steps you take. You can look around and see...there's no one watching us, no one filming us...it's about taking action. Lots of small steps have the ability to compile into one big message." By giving up a little bit of time and taking off our shoes, we were all acknowledging something much bigger than any one of our individual selves. These are the kinds of actions that need to be done. Nothing can be done until people are willing to look further than their doorsteps. Just because it's not in your face when you open your door, and just because it's not happening to you, doesn't make it any less horrific.

So take a little bit of time and look beyond your blue skies and green lawns...Take the WALK...head out to a show or organize your own! Buy a pair of TOMS shoes...anything you can do, any action you take is one small step and it WILL make a difference.

http://www.takethewalk.net/site/takethewalk/section/name/home

New Beginnings.

Just finished my first homework assignment of the new semester! Philosophy and the Human Being...definitely not the science pre-labs I'm used to...not that I'm complaining, it took far less time than what I'm used to. I feel oddly optimistic about this semester, which is nice. Enough about my mundane school-life, I just wanted to write about optimism.
All last year, I did nothing but stress. Stress about my homework and my grades, my complete lack of a social life, the constant time crunch, the anxiety of being kept in the same place(which makes me a little crazy), combined with not having any idea what I want to do with my life after I graduate college. I was worn out after just a few weeks, caught pneumonia, missed class which created more stress. I was tired and almost always upset. I was NOT myself.
Somewhere along the way I lost track of the happy-go-lucky youngster who kept faith in herself and faith in the world that things would be okay.
O.K. now enough about my mundane school-life.
What everyone should do is keep themselves thrilled. Find something everyday that makes you wonder, something beyond your physical self. I had a dream where someone told me that I looked at the moon like I wanted to hold it in my hands to make sure it would not break. I feel like that is how I should keep my optimism, somewhere I can always see it.
The world isn't black and white but I think that's a good thing. Isn't gray far less intimidating anyways?

My Inspiration.

This blog is completely inspired by an email that I received yesterday...funny enough...the email was sent by the person who was the very first to inspire me and who has always inspired me more than anyone; My Mom.

Some days, we go along smiling because everything IS ok...even if underneath it all we're feeling more than a little bit alone. Sometimes, an individual is lucky enough to have someone who knows that more often than not there's more than meets the eye. I'm always more sad than happy to return to school, I'm not going to deny it. I miss by best friends from high school who know me better than anyone, my Dad who always knows how to make me laugh, but I think more than anything, I miss my Mom.

Through the past two years I've come to realize that I don't need to be sad. That my friends and I are capable of picking up right where we left off and that my Mom is a constant presence that reassures, encourages, supports, and loves me no matter what; even on the days when she's telling me through the phone that I'm the reason for the gray in her hair. Through it all she has taught me to fight, to hope, and to love because in the very end that's what you take with you.
I still remember being a curious little girl finding a quote that she wrote, "Days like countless autumn leaves go by. Love only is eternal, Love only does not die." It's true and it's all we need.

"Hi Sweetheart...

I miss you already. My thought for the day for you. Ability is what you are capable of. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. Know that I am always with you in spirit, that my heart will always hear yours, and that I am always on your side.

I love you!!

Mom XOXO"

I wish everyone was as lucky as I know I am.

Quite simply...but never simple...Me.

"The power of thought is far greater than most people ever realize..."


I wrote yesterday that I am who I am. Well, I started thinking...you can say anything you want...there are no rules about words and there are no rules to help you decide if someone is being true to the core or whether they are wearing a mask. That's the hardest part isn't it...having the courage to put all of your faith in someone...praying that every moment you're believing in them is worth it in the end. I never want anyone to question me, ever...because I know how badly it hurts to realize that someone isn't being real and honest. So consider this my proof.

My room is my scrapbook. Scattered pictures, posters, poems, quotes...messy, just like my life...daring you to ask, just like my voice...and full of inspiration, for it is what I seek...The walls and ceiling are covered with pictures and words that describe who I am, what I love, who I love, and what I live for.
An entire wall is dedicated to my friends and family; the ones who have been there from the beginning and who I know with all of my heart will be there until the very end.
I have all of my books. I am a total and complete bookworm. I surround myself with love stories and fairy tales full of adventure, romance, hope, and strong characters whose lives, while never easy, are always worth the pain. I have to believe in fairy tales. I have to believe in love. While we live in a world that is so evidently run by power and money...it is not those things that keep the world alive. The yellow glow of a sunset, the freedom of a mountaintop, the calm of the moonlight are all brought alive in our minds by becoming symbols for warmth and love, trust and faith, and hope and dreams. Open your eyes and look at the world. Cherish every sight, take the time to look for the beauty that is always there, waiting to be brought to life.
I have the posters; "Dream" and "How to be an Artist" hanging to greet me every morning that I wake up, hanging to remind me that no matter what the day has in store for me...I know I will always look forward to my dreams, that I will always have the strength to ask why? and that I will always seek to create and NEVER just accept. We breathe life into the world, we frame beauty in our minds, we seek love in our hearts...but only if we stop and take the time to. It's not a race...it's not about who is going to be the most well-off...it's about who is going to live the MOST.

"Love is where you Find it...Look for it...Everywhere."



Last but certainly never least. This last picture is of my 17 year old rock-star baby brother, Cory. He is so often, not that I could ever tell him this, my motivation to be the best person I can be. I want him to someday be as proud of me as I am of him even now. He's millions of steps closer to his dreams than I am to mine simply because he won't ask what if...and that's because he refuses to fail. He doesn't sit there and ask himself where he's going to end up, or why things happen or don't happen. He lives every second for JUST that second. He has the spirit of the baby brother I've always felt like I needed to protect, but the mind of someone far beyond his 17 years. We could all learn from him, probably myself more than anyone else. I hope that wherever he ends up he knows that I always have and always will stand behind him and that he has inspired me above all else.

So there you are. This is Me.

I Am Perfectly Imperfect because I Am the Perfect Me.

oh hello blogging world. long time, no post. im back. well, for at least today...

"The question you should be asking yourself isn't whether or not you will get a Happily-Ever-After...The question you should be asking yourself is will you be able to live with yourself if you don't allow yourself to have a happy-now...and end up with nothing at all?" [Karen Marie Moning]

It's 4:16 in the morning, I have to wake up at 10:30, and I can't sleep. Surprise Surprise.

And surprise surprise, I'm thinking about happiness. Only this time, I'm thinking about what it means. It took me a long time to realize that I could be happy, that I AM happy...but now I find myself asking if I really know what it means to be happy. People measure happiness by a smile because they can see it...but I don't think that's enough. People can fake a smile. You can't fake what you have written in your eyes. The problem is, most people don't take the time to look or they are simply too terrified of what they might find there. Lies are a buffer, that's why the world is so full of them. It's perfectly logical, what kind of individual, in their right mind, would want to feel pain of any kind?

I can tell you exactly what I have written in my eyes...and I'm realizing that being happy is being unafraid to say it out loud. Being happy is taking who you are; every thought, flaw, dream...and being willing to see every opportunity for its possible worth.


My eyes will tell you exactly who I am if you're willing to look just a little deeper. You'll find a girl who makes sure the world knows she's strong...even when she's hurting, even when she loses sight of the little girl she's always held onto, even when she's afraid.

She's hurting because she wants to see more. She's every bit of the dreamer she was when she was little. Magic and immortality are real, they just don't mean fairies and spells anymore. She's afraid that she'll always be alone because it's all she's ever known.

None of that means that I can't be happy, I'm not afraid to tell the world because I have to believe that as I learn from everything I have been blessed to see and do that things DO change. No one and nothing can stop me from being happy as long as I believe in who I am. I am who I am. I am blessed. I am a dreamer. I am a writer. I am a poet. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a daughter and a sister. I am stubborn, occasionally impatient. I am free and hopeful. I am honest to a fault. Each of us are composed of a unique combination of traits and talents. A beautiful mosaic all our own. Be proud. Be alive. Be happy.

"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is All you own."

I didn't start saying "Perfectly Imperfect" for nothing. In the grand scheme of things, it's just a fancy way of saying be yourself; honestly...without hesitation...perfectly. Oh, and of course...happily.

Moments in Life.

My mom sent this to me, one of those messages you forward to everyone in your mailbox...the ones that claim that if you don't you'll have bad luck for x number of years(this one doesn't) or some nonsense like that. Normally I delete them, but this one is different. I don't know who wrote it, but it certainly gives you something to think about.

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive,
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
when you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.